A Fireside Interview with Chef Gérard de Plume
Conducted by legendary war correspondent and culinary columnist, Dan Gander
DAN GANDER: Chef de Plume, thank you for agreeing to this interview. It’s a rare privilege.
CHEF DE PLUME: Yes. It is. You’re welcome.
GANDER: Let’s begin at the beginning. Your early life in Les Oeufs D’Or—what was it like?
DE PLUME: Bleak. The other goslings were pitiful creatures. I once watched one eat a pebble. A pebble, Dan. I knew then I was destined for greatness. By week two I was crafting artisanal reductions using rainwater and pond scum.
GANDER: Extraordinary. You trained at École Cordon Oie—
DE PLUME: [Interrupting] Trained? No. I shamed that institution into relevance. The instructors begged me to stay longer. One attempted to steal my jus.
GANDER: Your cooking is considered avant-garde. Some call it pretentious. Your response?
DE PLUME: They are correct. It is pretentious. That’s the point. Simplicity is for the intellectually bankrupt. I once prepared a consommé so refined it vanished on the spoon.
GANDER: Let’s talk ingredients. You’ve been outspoken about your disdain for cumin.
DE PLUME: Cumin is cowardice in spice form. A desperate attempt to cover culinary insecurity. It is the cologne of the lazy.
GANDER: And your thoughts on molecular gastronomy?
DE PLUME: Chemistry belongs in laboratories, not kitchens. I will not eat foam. I will not be foamed. I once had a sous chef vaporize a carrot and I fired him before the mist cleared.
GANDER: You’ve been awarded 27 Michelin stars. Which dish do you believe secured your legacy?
DE PLUME: Tears of the Marsh Queen. A delicate terrine of swamp thistle pollen, plated beneath a glass dome filled with the whisper of regret. It was… sublime. The judges wept and forgot their own names.
GANDER: Your critics say your personality overshadows your food.
DE PLUME: That is true. My food overshadows civilization itself. So where does that place me?
GANDER: Final question. What advice do you have for aspiring chefs?
DE PLUME: Quit.
GANDER: …Quit?
DE PLUME: Yes. You will never be me. Accept this. Find peace.
GANDER: Chef de Plume, thank you for your time.
DE PLUME: You may go now.