Every classified transmission, satire surge, and chaotic honk — preserved for future recruits.
Vol. 1 – April 2025
- Main Headline:
Bubblegate: A One-Man Closed-Door Tariff Meeting - Other Top Stories:
- Space Deodorant Launch Attended by Dr. Gandersniff’s Cousin Doug
- Frantic Deportation Orders Found Hidden in Fake Golf Trophy
- Easter Egg Pricing Breaks Records Across the Globe
Tariff Tantrum Leads to Bubblegate
GNN has learned that an incident occurred today in the executive office. Earlier this morning, aides were summoned to deescalate a tantrum in the private gold-adorned bathroom of the official residence. Work had been underway to refresh & document tariff strategy in a one-man-closed-door meeting when a cheeseburger was accidentally dropped in the bathtub, causing the bun to become soggy and quote: “Almost F*%*ing inedible.”
Sources say the burger drop was a result of frustration with the red bath crayon, described by the subject as “not red enough.” Yelling echoed through neighboring wings: “This is more pink than red!” — “Hey Crayon, you’re FIRED!” — “My hat is redder than you!”
In response, communiqués were issued declaring that anyone heard using, or hearing, the word “Bubblegate” would be run over by a large electric truck on the front lawn.
🌤 Middelfart, Denmark Weather
Partly Cloudy, 17°C (63°F) | Humidity: 77% | Wind: SW at 10–20 mph | UV Index: 3 of 11
Source: AccuWeather
LITTLE TIMMY SHOCKS MOM WITH BIRTHDAY REQUEST
To the utter shock of Little Timmy’s Mom, he requested a GOOSEFORCE hoodie for his birthday. “Because all the other kids in my grade are getting one because their Moms love them!” he sobbed, fists clenched in pure goose-loving rage.
📉 It sucks to own…
Spruce Biosciences, Inc. (SPRB) dropped 58.02% at time of publication, closing at $0.13. That really sucks.
Source: Stock Analysis
REALITY SHOW RATINGS SKYROCKET
A new game show pits dudes in red hats vs. elite Canada geese in general knowledge & skill testing questions. Total Score so far: Geese 14, Dudes in Red Hats: 0.
PRESIDENT SURPRISED TO LEARN HE’D BEEN DEPORTED
While enjoying second breakfast aboard GOOSEFORCE 1, the President was informed he was being deported. The document, signed accidentally during his first days in office, had been hidden in a fake “Club Champion” trophy stuffed between Arby’s coupons.
🛒 Shopping Smarter Deal of the Day
Buy a 72 lb Parmigiano Reggiano wheel for $950 at Costco.
Source: CostcoMEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH CURBS B.O. IN SPACE
Dr. Gandersniff & a team of molecular scientists have announced the invention of a new deodorant capable of performance in Zero gravity environments. “Astronauts have long had to endure their own stench while sealed inside their spacesuits…That torture ends now!” – exclaimed Dr. Gandersniff during his announcement to hundreds of attendees at the SSRCF media briefing center. (The attendee count was later confirmed to be 6, including Gandersniff’s cousin Doug.)
EASTER EGG PRICING BREAKS RECORDS ACROSS THE GLOBE
“Why am I paying this much when I don’t even celebrate Easter?” said one shopper. Another family plans to hide dried pasta and toaster crumbs instead.
🏅 From the World of Sport: Ear Pulling
A traditional Inuit sport where opponents pull each other’s ears with a string until one gives up. The Olympics are allegedly “looking into it.”
Source: Britannica📹 Live from Laikipia County, Kenya
Stare at this long enough to spot and screenshot a Canada Goose in frame receive a $50 CAD voucher for GOOSEFORCE Merch (USD currently accepted at par.)
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